may 28th 2025

22:39

I have taken the decision to start writing these entries as a way to vent out my thoughts to somewhere other than myself and discord DMs to people who don't really care enough to listen beyond just hearing.
Today's topic might as well be the finalization of my latest sketchbook or as i call 'em "schizo notes", which is very fitting considering i've stuck with a total of 2 and a bit of a third one for the entirety of 9th grade, and it has cattalogued my mental state decently well throught the years if you look at the notes chronologically. Of course, this is counting the ones that came before 9th grade, the entire schizo notebook concept being something i only really picked up after 1st year when i noticed doing it on the back pages of notebooks was a stupid idea.
The reason i said it was very fitting in the previous paragraph of course being that the school year, and therefore, the entirety of my middle school days, end in the span of 4 weeks. How interesting, isn't it? it feels like time just passes faster every day i go through, almost as if my time on this earth stopped mattering after i turned 9.
Another thing i'd like to point out in this fourth paragraph, is that through the entirety of my 3rd year schizo notes, i've dedicated them almost exclusively to a girl i have a crush on, which wouldn't be that big of a surprise since i am known for going on insane rants about the people i care for, but this is far more extreme than it had been before, almost as if my life depended on her, like an addiction. Of course, this doesn't come on its own, i went through a lot to get to the state i am in, and after this i will be another man entirely, i'll see that in 2 years when i read back on this entry, which by the way hello future tat.
That girl has become the main focus of my brain since september of 2024 and for a reason i still can't really seem to figure out on my own without it sounding absurd and ridiculous, that being the fact she looked nearly identical to the oc i was redesigning that same day, which as some of yall may already know was already quite prominently nosed, this "nose" factor comes in very often when discussing her so there's no point in hiding my remark that, yes, i do in fact have a somewhat unnaturally obsessive love for her facial features, very specific ones at that.
But what does this all go towards? who knows, i'm just a guy writing about himself, complaining about petty things while also fantasyzing over even pettier things, such as committing a luigi on the CEOs of major tech companies. But then again, my whole mind kinda goes back to just thinking about her, i kid you not that i fell in love the moment i saw her through the window while drawing during history class (which is a class i feel a particular disdain for thanks to the teacher we have this year, previous ones having been at least likeable to some extent, but this one is just a plain ol' graceless hag).

may 29th 2025

15:43

I am once again writing on this journal to express my disdain towards my own ignorant mind, which restrains itself from its full potential by stopping me in my tracks because my autistic ass thinks that making the first move = sexual harrassment, which although i am aware it technically isn't, my subconscious still forces me to not act upon the meere act of literally saying "hello" because it thinks it'll be akward considering how much my classmates fuck me over whenever that girl comes up in conversation (or any girl i've ever been into for that matter).
On another note, i have fallen somewhat ill in the last couple of days (roughly saturday of the previous week), my current symptoms remain at a somewhat frequent coughing that sounds like i'm about to puncture a lung, or rather spit it out along with my entire trachea and lymphatic system. Besides that minor inconvenience, i feel fine now, at least better than i did like 2 or 3 days ago (or last time i had this coughing issue in which i almost get pneumonia and was coughing up enough phlegm to fill an entire swimming pool through the span of 6 weeks).
Another comment i would like to make is that a while back i was finally able to run blender, although i have no clue how the controls are supposed to function, this basically means i can render stuff without making em in a unity project file, which also means i have to learn to use blender. While i was doing that same thing the day i got it, i came up with this fancy little render of the default ape and not much else for the rest of the couple of weeks i've been on this new graphics card.

may 30th 2025

21:01

It's on cloudy days like these that i remember the true beauty of life, for some reason, days like these remind me that, if you think about it, the good old days are always there, you just only realize they were after those days are gone, it's only after it's gone that you appreciate it.
Going to my grandparents house on weekends, although oftentimes unexpectedly gets in the way of whatever i was planning to do that day, doesn't bother me much asides from messing with any plans i had had that morning waking up. Besides that however, it's usually a nice experience, specially during rainy days like these, like i said, the smell of rain reminds me of the present time, reminds me that the experiences we have, good or bad, are after all experiences, and that at the end of the day, they're what makes us human.
Even with this philosphy in mind however, i still seem to fall back into my usual loop of sitting in a corner doing god knows what on my phone, back then of course it would've been chatting on some shitass discord server or a chatroom, but really i don't have either of those anymore, so i'm basically alone to myself and the only few friends that actually stuck around. It's interesting to think about how many people that you meet through the years actually cared enough to follow up on you after all this time, various names come to mind, from various places all across the interwebs, some that you even find in the same place you went to after the previous one shut down, showing once again that the world is far smaller than it may seem at first glance.
And with this in mind, it surprises me that so many places that i once called home are gone now, even the ones that aren't just feel... alien, in a way, like i'm not supposed to be there anymore. Of course, the nostalgic feel of trollbox still somewhat brings me back to the olden days, but looking back on it with a clear view on the world, i realize that, i missed out on a lot of things back during my first time in that place, be that due to language barriers or simply because of the friend group i was in at the time. But yet, even though i missed out on a lot during those times, it was only after the chat went down that i truly felt the loss of it, at least for that while, and if it wasn't for it going down that one day, i wouldn't be where i am today, would i? It's interesting to look back and see the journey that i went through to get here, going from site to site in search for someone who was obviously no longer there, and would never be there to start, feeling a sense of hatred towards someone that, when you finally sit down and chat of what really went on that time, you realize was just like you from the very beginning, just as lost, and just as dependant on those two psychos. And then you notice that the true villain of the story wasn't him, it wasn't the guy that kept trying to reach you again, it was the one you were trying to find, the one you thought was your friend resulted being the true evil one.
And i could go on and on about chat room shenanigans like these, like explaining the timeline of how i kept going back and forth until i eventually accepted the loss but kept having issues about it up to like early 2024, and then it came back again, and again, from chat to chat, my mind going downhill and getting worse over time as i kept having a sudden need to find a lead where in the end there was none, trying to remember a memory that never even existed to begin with, and if it did, it's gone now. Most of the sites i've abandoned tend to be abandoned for a number of factors, wether that be it going downhill or it being shut down forever, or like in this case, me getting banned. But when i go back to look at the ones i left for the sole reason of getting distracted and finding a 'better' alternative, i remember the good old days, where i was just a young boy with poor english and edgy opinions, but that at the end of the day, had no worries in life, and now look at me, i'm a young man with fancier english and deranged opinions, it seems like the man doesn't change at the end of the day, he just gets a better grasp on who he is.
Continuing on with this note of how i tend to fall back on the same cycles over and over again, with only minor changes due to my environment, but that at the end of the day always go back to the same things, only getting more refined at them, but at the end of the day, the same things. Various examples come to mind, but i'll leave them up for interpretation.

june 1st 2025

22:46

Don't worry yall i'm not dead just yet i just forgot to update this yesterday.
So basically i pirated gta san andreas and it's safe to say i'm hooked, yknow, running over civilians shootin' cops and rival gangs, running over cops and rival gangs, back and forth with a heavy truck, blasting people with a firetruck, shooting up strip clubs, trespassing into military zones etcetera. It's quite fun yknow, crime is one of the most fun things you can do in this life, try it.
Anyways, everything is fine and dandy except for the fact that i have to go to school tomorrow and and this point i'm running out of things to scribble on, i would do it in the back of a regular notebook but that gets messy and risky fast, same for the desks, which i did do in 6th grade to the point of literally doing my schizo notes there (or more technically speaking the "character concept art" for wahtever the hell i was even doing that time), but the desks here are black plastic and are therefore only able to be scribbled on by either a sharp blade or whiteout, technically you could do it with a sharpie but it wouldn't be seeable, all i've really scribbled on those is a shitty anarchy A using a broken pencil sharpener's blade which i used to sharpen my pencils before it disappeared (probably stolen by one of these monkeys i call classmates).
On another note, there's plenty of cute girls out there, many names come to mind but case and point there's a fuckton of long faced beauties out there, which is interesting considering the fact they're still pretty damn rare but if you look closely into the dark realms of youtube you'll find plenty of pale nosey chicks like for example bearbaitofficial or sorrelsouls or idfk man i'm just listing chicks i find hot that i regularly observe on youtube shorts or some shit idfk man what was i on about again oh right the thing.
Anyway back to gta sa the Radio X station is pretty neat, yknow the one who's host is named Sage (supposedly) yeah she's funny, there's also another radio station with a german dude that sounds like medic from tf2 but i hhave no clue which one it is so i just stay in radio x because it makes me sound like a drunken psycho methhead metalhead maniac going around the streets at 98 on a school zone while driving a stolen fire truck and running people over and when i see they're still moving i just go back and forth until i hear a crunch in which case i steal their belongings and keep movin'.

And remember kids! video games don't cause violence nor do they create psychopaths, they just give psychos ideas and feed their creative minds, we should honestly give schizophrenic psychos more credit ngl, they're misunderstood creative minds that just need a little freedom in this day and age. "Land of freedom" my ass, if freedom means no drunk driving and no breakfast past 9 am then i don't want freedom.

june 3rd 2025

19:18

I would've started thsi by either talking about my weird kink or talking about hwo i'm e diting plants vs zombies' fla files but i'll be completely frank, i just can't WAIT to finally become an adult so i can legally tell my parents to go fuck themselves, not because of teenage angst, but because they're actual pieces of shit, not to me, but to each other, and therefore to me.
Let's answer the main questions, why how where and when, well, i won't bother you with the backstory, but generally speaking, ever since september of 2023 my parents relationship went even more downhill than it had already been ever since before i was born, like, way downhill, to the point of various moments where they were at the edge of either divorce or my dad brutally murdering my mother (which has happened more than thrice). Basically, yesterday everyhting seemed fine and dandy even tho the day before i could hear my mother sobbing again, but i didn't give a shit as i wouldn't in a regular day, since even though this has happened before, to the point of my dad literally holding my mom at gunpoint in front of me, on my own fucking bed, and repeatedly pulling the trigger on the unloaded pistol right onto her skull, ever since then i've really stopped caring, as i can't do anything to stop it and i'd rather just not give a damn as it'd only make shit worse, way worse. Of course, my mind still stays restless whenever this happens mostly over the fact i'd probably be forced to get involved, but besides that, back to the main topic.
oh look right as i was writing this my mom let out a blood curdling scream and i think she just said "aaaaaaaaa me quieres matar aaaaa" and she's currently screaming and groaning in pain, this sound could only realaly be described as how she probably got one or two bones broken because i've never heard something so horrific not even in the worst horror films, also rn my dad is counting down from 5, if this paragraph ends and i don't follow up on anything and it just gets posted, you'll know that probably my dad just killed or discapacitated her, or i got forced to get involved.
I can't call the police, last time, the cops came, i didn't call them, neither did my mom i think, but my dad got so paranoid that he almost kills both of us (not literally like now but you get what i mean). Of course, this is mainly because he's self aware enough to know that he's being an abusive violent psychopath with severe anger issues, but not caring enough to fix that, because his self righteousness makes him think he's doing the right thing and giving her what she deserves.
Could this fairly recent trauma have been the trigger to my current mental problems? probably, but we'll never know as it's possible i'll either kill myself or get run over by a car while trying to escape this house one day before i can figure it out. Not that i want to die, it's just that i've already made up my mind to be 100% sure that i won't make it past 30 at this rate, let alone past 18.
I would've, yknow what fuck it, let's talk about it why don't we?

19:28

reading these timestamps i realize how fast i write
anyway, this morning i'd already noticed my dad was a bit off, but he's usually groggy in the early morning so who gives a shit am i right? rookie mistake. When i got dropped off nothing out of the ordinary happened, it was when i was picked up that i realized something was indeed wrong, first of all when i was looking over my shoulder to see the girl of my dreams (she was walking right behind me today idfk why probably coincidence), instead of being, yknow, NORMAL, at least for his standards, which for context would be commenting something like "ya lookin' at the transparent or what" (transparent being the way we reffer to this girl even tho i personally don't call her that) he instead said "why are you looking behind you who's there" which felt like a dick move ngl, but i continued, of course the only weird thing about the trip back home besides that was the fact he never spoke to my mom in any way shape or form not even to reply to some shit, hell, it almost felt like- no not almost, literally- felt like she was being dragged along out of paranoia of her calling the cops or some shit like that or running away again. Besides that, when we got home the only other weird part was how still and cold he seemed, hard to describe but he seemed serious, kinda like "no bullshit" mode. Besides that everything felt normal, but like a couple minutes or half an hour ago he snapped again, not at me of course, but at my mom, the "source of all evil" as he'd probably say right now, but i believe he's drunk. The first sign of this was my mom once again making weird sobbing noises, also the fact i didn't see either of em anywhere through my bedroom door the whole day, not even through the mirror's reflection of the kitchen, but after a couple painful cries she screamed in agony as i heard a thump, which is when i was doing the snowpea's fla file. But of course instead of giving a shit i instead turned up my phone's volume to max and clicked on the first playlist that showed up, this one being an autogenerated one with mostly emo boy metal stuff, yknow like three days grace, which was fitting ngl. I kept it on like this and it somewhat muffled the noise, but my ears are asshats so i could hear everything coming from the kitchen pretty clearly, these headphones saddly aren't sound cancelling so i am forced to listen to the outside, for better or for worse. Right before i started writing these two blog entries, my dad came in to my room with the food (which is always a bad sign (even tho i like eating in here (yknow isolated from my dysfunctional family and all))) he was holding the plate which i'm currently still devouring because most of my time rn is being spent writing all this shit down, in fact i'll link a picture of the food that i'll take right after i finish this sentence. Done, even added text because funny, anyway back to the rant. He seemed pretty disoriented, like i said, probably drunk, i tried testing the mood (and also pretending that i didn't just hear what would've been mistaken for a murder) by continuning on talking about the shit i was doing to pvz but he seemed confused as kinda annoyed so i just let him leave. After that i set my plate on the table and opened up the dashboard to start writing this shit. Honestly i don't even know if i should once again ask God to f ix my interfamiliar problems because i feel like my dad's will to not le tme have a will to live is far stronger than any will. I do want to ask the lord on what the fuck did i do to deserve this, i also want to go back to reading the bible n' that stuff but honestly i'm feeling up to beating people up. In real life. Not gta. Like dude, what the hell did i do to deserve this, i didn't ask to be born with these psychos, honestly i can't wait to turn 18 so i can tell em to fuck off, technically speaking i'd have all my school stuff done by then as i'd be leaving the last year of highschool, and based on the one i'm going to i could go straight to work from there on, so it's a safe bet on what to do to waste my time while my family keeps falling apart for the next 3 more years, wow amazing that it's almost been 2 whole ass years since my life got turned upside down wow amazing. I can't wait to enroll myself in military service so i can have my dad realize that maybe ruining his and everyone else's lives because of a relationship he only stayed in because of my meere existence maybe ISN'T a good idea, but it's already too late isn't it. I'd go and join fencing classes thing or some shit but i'd need my parents permission and OH BOY would it be hard to get them to agree to me stabbing people with sharp metal objects, i mean, they won't even let me TOUCH a stick longer than a pencil, or even a pencil for that matter, so like what the fuck. Anyways if i don't commit a big scale murder i'll probably just keep on updating this blog and doing edgy art stuff like i tend to do, because honestly, unless i man up and realize i have nothing to loose if i fuck it up, the only other thing i could do is finally talk to that girl, but honestly that'd just repeat another cycle, ngl i wouldn't tell my dad this time unless he asks, because we know what happened with renee. Honestly, if any of yall are reading this, don't ever tell your parents about a girl you're talking to, specially if they're mentally unwell, otherwise they'll fuck your relationship up by a landslide.

19:54

almost forgot to link the picture here it is boys and girls

22:09

Speak of the devil. Well that settles today's open ended question, although i'm not sure what to think, at least i'm glad my dad didn't commit sepuku as he himself stated he'd do. Even if it was a horrible scene, i still felt apathetic otwards it, i was worried, yes, but i've learned not to break down. I fear no man not even my own father, not anymore. Besides, this means i get a cool obsidian knife for my birthday, neat. Anyways he told me he'd kill my mum if he finds out she or any relative of hers or friend did anything to me, lay a single finger, and he also told me that if he fails or some shit then i'd have to slice his neck with the blade he'll give me. Among other things that i'm too nonchelaunt to give a fuck about. Of course, i had to ask God for guidance the entire time that happened, which i believe is the sole reason this didn't end in a tragedy. I can't be more thankful for the fact the Lᴏʀᴅ let me live a relatively normal life for at least another day. Anyway, this then settles it. Tomorrow, no excuses, i'll talk to Isis (the girl i mentioned). If i don't, then i'll have to ask Big Pinker for guidance, who's big pinker? well there's some context behind his disappearence but i'll see if by doing this he'll trust me again. And yes, if talking to her works out, i'll post it here, if it doesn't, well, i'll post it here as well. It doesn't really matter anymore, does it? not like she'll even go to the same highschool as me considering her possible background. Good night everyone.